2004

i can't sleep and so i decided to get out of bed. i often compose blogs in my head and then try to write them down later, so lets hope, for your sake, this one works out.

to understand my emotions right now, i need to take you back to, as the title states, 2004. the year started out great. my roommates and i found a super cute apartment just up the street from ua and we were excited. i broke up with a boyfriend that i didn't like anyways, and was starting my last semester of college. yippee- right? we'll not really. i was terrified to finish school because it opened up the question of 'now what'. i shortly began dating a guy that was 25 months younger than me. normally not a problem, but when you are 21, making him only 19, it is a problem. said boy still needed to go on a mission all while i was getting pretty attached to him. we dated and had a great time, knowing that along with graduation, came the end of 'us'. it happened. graduation. breaking up. heart ache and longing for 2 years to hurry up. the summer after graduation i jumped into busying myself. i was working my second summer as a full time nanny and loving it. i was able to travel with them for the second time to nyc and really enjoyed myself. it was in the natuaral history museum that i said my goodbuys to said missionary on the phone. i was bummed and distracted, but i did begin to really pay attention to my foot. it hurt. it was swollen and my shoes were not fitting very comfortable and i was much more aware of the problems after walking the city, oftening carrying a 4 and a 5 year old. upon returing home i decided to figure a few things out. i need to go back to school (did i really want to be a teacher?) and see a doctor. i did- both. i went to my family doctor in phx one weekend, and after taking x-rays, he sent me to a podiatris that same day. the podiatirs seemed concerned and sent me to an orthopedic oncologist. yeah, scary. the orthopedic oncologist was at the mayo clinic in scottsdale, so i spent alot of time driving back and forth. i needed an mri, ct scan, bonescan, and many consultation for them to decide what it was and what to do. i had a tumor in my foot. osteosacoma. it was a freak incident and they wrote up about my case in a medical journal. weird huh? the orthopedic oncologist wanted to consult a foot specialist about how to get the tumor out of my foot. the foot specialist threated amputation- seriously- before coming back a week later with a better plan. can you imagine being not yet 22 years old and being told that you might lose your foot?! needless to say i was a wreck. i was traveling to and from phx to tucson almost weekly, some time even midweek to meet with drs. surgery was set and it was decided that they would remove the tumor that was surrounding the second and third metatarsal. i would stay in the hospital for three days and be on crutches for 8 weeks. surgery went well. the bones were so covered in tumor that they could not be put back in, so i was left with a big hole in my foot and a cute pink cast. at my follow up appt two weeks post surgery before heading back to tucson, they told me that the tumor was cancerous and it could come back. it was suggested that i follow up with biannual mri scans. fantastic. i went back to tucson and fell many times on crutches. the worst was leaving class one evening to discover that the halls had just been mopped. i must have slipped 3 times in front of nearly my entire class! the cast came off at the end of eight weeks, and i was walking very soon after.

i went for only my second follow up scan early this summer and was terrified of the results. they came back clear, but there has been alot of pain recently. because i am missing bones, and have a hole in my foot, the toes do not look good. i cannot wear open toed shoes, and recently, most shoes cause quite a bit of discomfort. so it starts again. i went to the foot specialist earlier in the month, and he sent me to get xrays. after looking at the xrays, he wants to operate. his plan is to break my toe and remove parts of the bone to correct the bunion that has formed. 6-8 weeks in a walking boot and orthodic shoes after. not fair is all i have to say. orthodic shoes?! bunioun surgery!? these are not words that a 25 year old mother of one should have to say, let alone experience. it just brings to surface all the fears that i had 4 years ago. it's scary and i worry about the future of my foot. is this foot going to hold me up for another 65+ years? is it going to support me through another couple (at least) pregnancies? am i ever going to be able to wear cute shoes again?! aggh.

we went to the temple on saturday and i was just searching for comfort. i need to think of what a blessing it is to have a foot at all. i need to be grateful that the tumor didn't grow in my knee or elbow or spread to other joints.

it is only getting later and i am still not sleeping, but there it is. that is what i cannot stop thinking about. it sucks. thanks for letting me tell the whole story.

p.s. that was the last time i spoke to said missionary. i think he came home from his mission about the same time i married the man of my dreams. :)