this mom had a moment

often i am touched by the words of others. recently, i stopped to read a blog. don't get me wrong, i can often be found behind the laptop on the dinning room table while the young ones entertain themselves/each other, when i could be on the floor reading them a story. but i paused to follow a link to a conference address, and i'm glad i did. the link lead me to The Women of God by Neal A. Maxwell, from way back in may of 1978 (i say way back, because it was before i was born).

i have realized in the last year+, that motherhood is a very selfless act. it's really not something you can GET until you are experiencing it.

waiting at the dr recently, i saw a quote on one of those anne geddes pictures that said,

"Making the decision to have a child is momentous.
It is to decide forever to have your
heart go walking around outside your body."
-Elizabeth Stone

no joke, right mom's? it really is wonderful.... but honestly, the toughest and most trying job we will ever do. i have found myself once or twice (or three or four times) in the last 18 months, resentful of the fathers role. they get to go to work and then come home and get just as much love from the small ones. they get to go to bed at a reasonable hour because they have to get up to go to work the next day. how silly that sounds to me today... while at times i am envious that the dad gets to leave for 10 hours each day, i wouldn't give up my job for anything. i want to be the one that translates jenna's sentences. i want to be by her side as she learns and practices new skills.

the discussion question came up a ways back about what we would do if we suddenly came into a lot of money. enough money that we could move, travel and the husband wouldn't have to work. dave had an entire list of things that he wants to do. start a business or open a restaurant. buy an rv/boat. pay off student loans before going back to school. he turned to me, and i was really excited to hear about all the things he thinks about, but speechless when he asked me what i would do. my first thought, was that i would love to go back to school, and maybe stay in school in one form or another forever. but my next thought, was that i'm not going to do that in the immediate future, with 2 young ones in diapers + niece during the day. would i want to travel to our ever increasing list of exotic places (thanks alot travel channel)? yes of course, but not really with small kids. and the thought of having the money to pay someone else to raise them while i enjoy my wealth is not at all appealing. while i would be off exploring the world, someone else would be reading the bedtime stories. someone else would be smiling in the rear view mirror. someone else would be telling her to not eat rocks and to not take her juice on the stairs. someone else would be fostering her vocabulary in the grocery store as she pointed out everything she recognizes, much to the thrill of the other shoppers. i wouldn't miss that for anything.

just a bit ago i was starting to unload the dishwasher (which is an all day chore to get done without little hands helping) and pulled out the blender pitcher. jenna said, 'shake' because we had made milk shakes in it the night before. i smiled and realized that that is something that dave would smile at when i told him over dinner, but no one but me would really love it the way i did at just that moment. does that make sense?
now let me say that i often have those days. those days when i hear myself yelling and getting far more frustrated than really necessary with such small people. i have often wanted to just crawl back into bed, but i didn't. i took a deep breath, cleaned up the cereal/goldfish for the third time, and sat down with my arms out stretched. they ran right in for a hug.

deep breath again. repeat mantra- i love my job, i love my job- smile.

at the end of the day, i noticed the toys and books spread out over the entire room. my body, at 37 1/2 weeks pregnant, is not quick to get down on the floor, but i do it. i scoot around and put things back where they belong, because i know that it will just be there tomorrow if i don't do it (and it looks much worse in the morning). i head up stairs to bed, to find books and laundry baskets tossed around the hallway. my alarm clock is not where it should be but, would you ever guess, in one of the bathroom drawers. such fun!

i am over the fear of having 2 kids, and on to excitement. the other night, the three of us were cuddling in bed before jenna's bedtime. sweet jenna was laying between dave and i when i turned to him and smiled. it was one of those perfect moments that i want to ALWAYS remember. always. i cannot wait for it to be the FOUR of us. will it be crazy at times? guaranteed. will we all lose sleep? sure. do we have enough love to go around? you betcha.

It was the tiniest thing I ever decided to put my whole life into.
-- Terri Guillemets