I've been thinking too much lately about being a mom. I found many similarities over the last 4.5 years, and a few differences.
Jenna really was a shock. Nothing can really prepare you for having your very own newborn. I had spend TONS of time with kids and babies, but the first exhausting month was a crash course. It took me about 6 weeks to get in the groove with her. She kept me up at night crying, and I was emotionally exhausted. I searched the internet tirelessly for what could be hurting my sweet baby enough to make her HATE me. I cut milk out of my diet and she was instantly better. I don't remember exactly, but I think I did about 2 weeks with no milk and little of other dairy products and then slowly added it sparingly back into my diet. She wasn't completely intolerant, but it did upset her. I honestly think that this experience bonded us- she knew that she could trust me to do whatever neccessary. After that, she was a complete dream. I felt like she was an extension of me. I knew her every need before she even began to fuss, and she was always content in my immediate care. Of course she loved her dad too, but if any one else tried to hold her I got a terrified look from her, and it wasn't 3 minutes later that she insisted on me taking her back. I called her my side kick and found our days to be absolutely wonderful. She was sleeping 6-8 hours by 2 months, and I couldn't dream of doing anything else with my day. I remember being stopped by a member of the bishopric at church sometime in her first few months, and he told me with a huge smile on his face that motherhood suited me. I felt like Jenna was my calling in life.
It was easy to decide to have another. I was home and overjoyed with Jenna. I had just started having a my nieces spend the day with me, and really felt in control. Adam came nearly 19 months after Jenna and the toughest part was being away from Jenna for the two days I was in the hospital. His delivery was quick which led to an infection that stuck him in the NICU for a week. Yuck! He was the most handsome little guy I had ever seen and I was so gratefully that I was already in love with him as much as my girl. The weeks after we came home were as normal as they could be with an infant and a toddler. I was tired, they were needy. It didn't mix well, and I finally convinced myself after about 10 weeks that I had postpartum depression. It wasn't the worst known cases, and I think that's what took me so long to get there, but it was sucky enough to affect 3-5 days out of the week. The doctor was great and we all figured it out together over the next 6 months and I was so glad to feel like myself everyday again. I found an article on postpartum anxiety a little while later, and that fit me to a T (I never saw myself as one with a depressive tendency, but anxiety seemed to suit me far too well. They manifest themselves the same and are treated the same, but I like the sound of anxiety a little more than depression). *sigh* In the meantime, I was knee deep in babies, but boy were they wonderfully adorable! I don't remember a lot of the specifics of Adam's first year since I really was just staying afloat. Don't get me wrong, I was happy, but it was a LOT of work!
By the time he turned one, David mentioned having another. We knew 2 wasn't it for us, but I honestly couldn't imagine it just yet. I thought about it a lot, and he mentioned it on occasion to get a feel for what my thoughts were, but I just wasn't ready. It was probably around the time Jenna turned 3 and Adam was nearly 18 months, that it didn't seem impossible. I was in a great stride with two kids and feeling good and wanted to just do that for awhile.
I consented to having another, and it didn't happen as quickly as the others. I am oh so grateful for those extra few months! My entire pregnancy with our Megan, I didn't know how to feel. I felt like I was really good at having 2 kids- what was I thinking messing it all up by adding another?! I would think that, and then the kids would do something hilarious or sweet and remind me that kids start out as babies, and I really began to long for a big family. Megan's transition wasn't as traumatic as I had feared. I felt like my 'big kids' really were big kids (no Adam, is still not potty trained) and didn't need constant entertainment from me. Still those first 6 weeks were rough, as they are with any new baby, and by the time they were over and we were all sleeping more, I felt like I could handle it. I was really behind in everything though and that was daunting. Any outing with 3 kids in the heat is zero fun, but we're making it work. Staying in all day is worse than braving the heat.
Megan is an angel. She really is such a tremendous blessing to our family. I begin to panic when she cries because she just doesn't. Yesterday she was fussing while I was working on something and Adam responded with his normal, "Get him mom! Get Megan! Megan needs you!" and I told him that she was okay as I finished up my chore. I almost cried when he went over to her little chair and sang her the ABC's in an effort to help her calm down. So sweet!
She's starting to giggle and it just lights up my soul when she makes eye contact and smiles. There is nothing like it in the entire world!
2 comments:
What is your take a year later? Well stated thoughts, you make a great mother.
Even though this is an old post I appreciate you sharing! I can totally relate to your transition to two kids. I struggled with it and felt very overwhelmed. I also like the term anxiety as opposed to depression. I didn't feel like I had full on postpartem depression but something was still going on with me. I never went in for it but in retrospect I wish I had. I'm a little nervous about that transition again once we add another to the family, glad it went well that time.
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